DADS ARE IMPORTANT!!!

Being a dad is the most important job you will ever have.   We all want to do the best we can for our kids, but sometimes as we work harder and harder to give our kids more and more, they actually get less and less of what they need most – us.

You are important to your children.  Studies have shown that kids whose dads spend time with and are interested in them do better at school, are happier and more confident, and have higher self esteem. 

The way you behave with your kids has big effect on them in what they do, how they feel about themselves, and how they turn out.  As with anything that is important to you, being a dad deserves your time, energy and effort. 

SPEND TIME WITH THEM

Kids learn about being a man or a woman from being with their dads and mums.  For boys, it is harder for them to develop an idea of what it is to be a man if dad is not around much.  Both parents can have a big impact on their children. 

(It’s important that parents are consistent in the way you bring up your kids.  It can be very confusing if mum has one set of rules and dad has another.)

The important thing about spending time with your kids is paying attention to them.  Get to know them and enjoy them now.  Doing things with your children is a good way of letting them know you are interested in them.  Kids need some time each day when they have your whole attention.

Think about your relationship with your own dad - what stands out?   Is it the sort of relationship you would like your kids to have with you?  OR would you prefer it to be better. 

MAKE THE MEMORIES

Ask yourself what kind of memories would you like your kids to have growing up?  This is your chance to make sure they have those good memories.

After a long day, kids can seem very demanding.   Prepare yourself for coming home to your children by thinking about them before you get home.  Focus on their good points, and possibly their individual needs, and by the time you’re home, you’ll be much more prepared to give them that all important attention.     

IDEAS TO TRY

Kids love stories, especially about people they know.  Tell them about when you were a kid, or what grandma and grandpa did when they were kids. 

Dads are especially good at energetic play – let yourself go and enjoy the time with your kids.  Come home early one afternoon a month so you can have time to play for longer. 

If you have teenagers, try to find out what they are interested in and find things you have in common.  Driving teenagers to and from places is a good chance to spend time with them.  You don’t have to talk – just listening is important.

ENCOURAGE THEM

There is nothing more damaging to a child’s self-esteem than being regularly told he or she is stupid, useless, or dumb.  Kids develop their images of themselves from what people tell them.  They believe the people who are most important to them – usually mum and dad.

KIDS NEED TOUCH

How do you show your kids you love them?  Hugging, kissing, wrestling, ruffling hair and holding hands all tell your kids that you love them and that you are proud to be their dad.  Kids naturally respond to affection, but you need to be sensitive about what kind of touch your kids like, especially if they have sensory defensiveness. 

LISTENED TO

It is important to kids that they are listened to.  Take an interest in what they are doing and make sure you listen to them without judging what they say. This is especially important if your kids are teenagers. 

BE REALISTIC

Kids need you to be realistic about what you expect them to achieve.  If goals are set too high, kids can easily get discouraged and frustrated.  Kids need to be challenged, but not given tasks that are beyond them.  Goals should be reasonable.

IDEAS TO TRY

Be interested in what your children are doing.  Ask questions that start with “What happened when…….”, “Show me ……..”, “Tell me …….”

Notice one good thing your kids do and tell them about it.  As you see more good things, keep encouraging them.  Put a piece of paper on the fridge and write down every time someone co-operates in the family – you’ll notice it more and more. 

Encourage the effort made by your kids, as well as praising the results.  Try saying … “I can see you worked really hard on that” or “I liked the way you ……”  or “You did the best you could – I’m proud of you.”  Make sure that you are honest in your praise.

FAIR AND FIRM

You are a role model for your kids.  Most of the lessons your kids learn in life will come from you and their mum.  It’s up to you to decide what those lessons will be.  Don’t just tell your kids what you want – show them by example.   

Kids are more likely to do what you ask because they know you care about them and respect their feelings, not because they are frightened of you.

Providing kids with a consistent routine helps them feel safe and secure.  They also need structure to their day (which includes time for free play).

There is no harm in saying ‘no’ to children.  Let them know that “No’ means ‘No’.  All kids will test you to see if you really mean what you say.  Remember how you were as a child?

MORE IDEAS

When your kids muck up, let them know that it is their behaviour that you don’t like, not them.

If you feel yourself getting out of control, stop and do something else.  Parents often regret things they say or do in the heat of the moment.  You’ll deal with things far better when you have calmed down and are in better control of yourself.

If you have made a mistake, admit it and say sorry.  Kids are very forgiving and will see that if you can say sorry, they can too. 

Encourage responsible behaviour by letting your kids see that you trust them.

Adapted from Burnside (ADDSUP Newsletter no 30)

Website: www.adhasa.co.za

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